Computer Humor

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If you work with computers, love them or hate them,
you will enjoy these submissions.

[ Top Ten Weakest Excuses in the Digital Era ]
[ Do you know anyone like this? ]
[ Two Digits For a Date ]
[ Texas Edition of Windows 98 ]
[ The Life of a Computer Analyst ]
[ You Might Be A Redneck ]
[ Haiku Error Messages ]
[ A Simple Solution to the Y2K Problem ]
[ Virus Alert... New "Bad Times" Virus ]
[ Just Another Day At The Office ]
[ Urban Legends of E-mail ]
[ Your Computer... Is It A He Or A She? ]
[ And You Thought The Y2K Crisis Was A Problem! ]




















































According to a recent news report, a university in Uganda lost students' test scores after rats chewed through some wires:

Rats? Right. This has to be one of the weakest excuses we've ever heard. Here are the other ten:

10. Golly. Bulls Eye Marketing really does work!

9. I was testing the anti-porn filter.

8. Who knew my Pickle Eaters page would get enough traffic to crash the server?

7. I thought this was the internal mailing list.

6. That "notify sender" option is too prominently displayed.

5. We can't make the database accept four-digit years.

4. Hey, "Celebrity Skin Flicks" is using our video software!

3. I had no idea there were so many Mac users on this newsgroup!

2. But Windows really _is_ better.

1. When I sent that company-wide memo saying, "We must crush Java," I was talking about buying new espresso makers.


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Do you know anyone like this?

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former Word Perfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"



"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

" I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"


"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"


"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."


"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came  in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."


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Two Digits for a Date

(Read to the tune of "Gilligan's Island," more or less)

   Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
   Of the doom that is our fate.
   That started when programmers used
   Two digits for a date.
   Two digits for a date.
   Main memory was smaller then;
   Hard disks were smaller, too.
   "Four digits are extravagant,
   So let's get by with two.
   So let's get by with two."
   "This works through 1999,"
   The programmers did say.
   "Unless we rewrite before that
   It all will go away.
   It all will go away."
   But Management had not a clue:
   "It works fine now, you bet!
   A rewrite is a straight expense;
   We won't do it just yet.
   We won't do it just yet."
   Now when 2000 rolls around
   It all goes straight to @#%&,
   For zero's less than ninety-nine,
   As anyone can tell.
   As anyone can tell.
   The mail won't bring your pension check
   It won't be sent to you
   When you're no longer sixty-eight,
   But minus thirty-two.
   But minus thirty-two.
   The problems we're about to face
   Are frightening, for sure.
   And reading every line of code's
   The only certain cure.
   The only certain cure.
   [key change, big finish]
   There's not much time,
   There's too much code.
   (And Cobol-coders, few)
   When the century is finished with,
   We may be finished, too.
   We may be finished, too.
   Eight thousand years from now I hope
   That things weren't left too late,
   And people aren't then lamenting
   Four digits for a date.
   Four digits for a date.

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It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Texas edition of windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Texas.

If you have one of the Texas editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Texas edition  may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse,

My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption,

Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys,

Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard,

Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Other features:

Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

Other definitions:
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you
received a copy of the Texas edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.


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<Long but VERY Funny!>


User called to say they forgot password.  Told them to use password  retrieval utility called FDISK.  Blissfully ignorant, they thank me  and hang up.  God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database.  Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me."  Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again.  One more happy customer...

  8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0."  Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

  11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours.  Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend.  Says parents are coming  into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and  "Doom" nationals are this weekend!

  11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?).  Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can  access database. Tell them no problem.  Hang up.  Change ACL.  Add  @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

  12:00 pm

  3:30 pm
Return from lunch.

  3:55 pm
Wake up from nap.  Bad dream makes me cranky.  Bounce servers for no reason.  Return to napping.

  4:23 pm
Yet another user calls.  Wants to know how to change fonts on form.  Ask them what chip set they're using.  Tell them to call back when  they find out.

  4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.

  8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night.  Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

  9:00 am
Support manager arrives.  Wants to discuss my attitude.  Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy.  Put something in the calendar database!"  I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up.  Walks away grumbling.

  9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee.  Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1.  Say they never heard of such a form.  Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database.  Say they never heard of  such a database.  Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

  10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and  marital status.  Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah
Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the  lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

  10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in
basement. Offer to train him on Notes.  Begin now.  Let him watch console  while I grab a smoke.

  1:00 pm
Return from smoking break.  Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

  1:05 pm
Big commotion!  Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"

  1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names.  Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it.  Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

  1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls.  Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender.  Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about  it and hangs up.

  2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password.  Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter.  Tell her it  probably fell out of back of machine.  Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to  create new ID for her while she does that.

  2:49 pm
Janitor comes back.  Wants more lessons.  I take off rest of day.

  8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.  Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office.  Schedules 10:00am meeting with me.  User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk.  Tell them manager about to go into meeting.  Sometimes life hands you material...

  10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me.  Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I  ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page.  Meeting is adjourned as  he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

  10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job.  Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.

  11:00 am

  4:55 pm
Return from lunch.

  5:00 pm
Shift change;  Going home.

  8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today.  "Nice plaids" I offer.   Show him  server room, wiring closet, and technical library.  Set him up with  IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.

  8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up.  Tell him I'll create new ID for  him.  Set minimum password length to 64.  Go grab smoke.

  9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin.  "Nice plaids" Louie comments.  Is this guy great or what?!

  11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game.  Louie leaves.  Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups").  User calls, says Accounting  server is down.  Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub.  Tell user to try again.  Another happy customer!

  11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employees  beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and  relief to senior technical analyst on shift."  Marvin doubts.  I point  to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!).  "Remember, that's
DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.

  1:00 pm
Oooooh!  Pizza makes me so sleepy...

  4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap.  Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

  5:00 pm
Shift change.  Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...).  See ya tomorrow.

  8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.

  9:00 am
Marvin still not here.  Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

  9:02 am
Yep.  A user call.  Users in Des Moines can't replicate.  Me and the  Ouija board determine it's sunspots.  Tell them to call Telecommunications.

  9:30 am
Good God, another user!  They're like ants.  Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines.  Tell him it's sunspots, but with  a two-hour difference.  Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

  10:17 am
Pensacola calls.  Says they can't route mail to San Diego.  Tell them to set server ahead three hours.

  11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on  their servers.  I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

  11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro.  Put phone back on hook.

  11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

  11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit.  "So hard to get good help..." I respond.  Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No

  11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon.  "Yeah, sure.  You can bring your snuff" I  tell him.

  12:00 am

  1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server.  Route them to device NULL to make them fast.

  1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done.  Man, I love modern technology!

  2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database.  Cancel 2:45 pm appointment for him.  He really should be at home resting,  you know.

  2:39 pm
New user calls.  Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted.  Tell them to call microsupport.

  2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled.  Says he's just going to go on home.  Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

  3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls.  Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

  4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white.  Also set point size to "2" in help databases.

  4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents.  Tell them to  go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh.  Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

  4:45 pm
Another user calls.  Says they can't read help documents.  Tell them  I'll fix it.  Hang up.  Change font to Wingdings.

  4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens.  Not (too)  much.

  5:00 pm
Night shift shows up.  Tell them that the hub is acting funny and to have a  good weekend.


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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK, if this is how you define the following
computer terms:
LOG ON:  Making the woodstove hotter

LOG OFF:  Don't add no more wood

MONITOR:  Keepin an eye on that wood stove

DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off'n the truk

MEGA HERTZ:  When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded

FLOPPY DISK:  Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood

RAM: That thar thang whut splits the farwood

HARD DRIVE:  Gettin home in the winter time

PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time

WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside

SCREEN: Whut to shut when its blak fly season

BYTE: Whut them dang flys do

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV

MICRO CHIP:  Whuts left in th munchie bag

MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Ol Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the dang keys

SOFTWARE:  Them dang plastik forks and knifs

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn

MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf

PORT:  Fancy Flatlander Wine

ENTER:  Northern fer c'mon in y'all

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY:  When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife asks.


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Haiku Error Messages

Computers would be so much more friendly if error messages read:

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.


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Year 2000 Problem ("Y2K")

FYI ----- Rather than fix the Y2K problem, the goal has now been switched to remove all computers from the desktop by December  31, 1999. Afterwards everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.  There are many reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e mails
4. Many users will not know the difference.

Frequently asked questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q. My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. What's the shortcut for Un-Do?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I create a New Document window?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A. Don't shake it.



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Attention- this is an important VIRUS ALERT!!!

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause toe jam and bellybutton fuzz to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Syphilis.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.

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I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."


I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his computer would not turn on.
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries; it's a long walk."


Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"


Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.


One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter 'i?'" He said, "Yeah, that's it!"


I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then had gone in back to make a sandwich.


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I guess you could call these the urban myths of email!I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

So anyway,one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and and he saw a note on his mirror that said"Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and$5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped in a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.

I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you'll only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages. True Fact.

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Subject: Is it a He or a She?

A man who had previously been a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed.

To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


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Subject: THE Y1K Crisis, Do  you really think it happened? Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1KBug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of.

Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned?

Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.

"We should have seen it coming ," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that THOUSAND contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse -- The Latin word for Thousand is Mille which is the same as the Latin for mile. We won't know whether we are talking about time or distance!"

Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones,cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects,this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos. A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.


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That's all, folks!