Humor Page 5

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.Home Up Page1 Page2 Page3 Page4 Page5 Computer Humor

[ Really Now, Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road, Anyway? ]
[ Some One-Liners To Remember ]
[ How To Buy A Bra... Or Not ]
[ A Little Monday Humor ]
[ It Must Be Sunday... Church Humor ]
[ A Month After Christmas ]
[ Mind Games ]
[ Never Let A Lawyer Read You A Christmas Story ]
[ Still More Differences Between Men And Women ]
[ The Night Before A Politically Correct Christmas ]
[ Ten Cents A Minute... Oh, Never Mind. ]
[ Twelve (more) Days Of Christmas ]

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Answers to the Age-Old Question, "Why Did the Chicken Cross
the Road?

"Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side.

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only trip the establishment
would let it take.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and
we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

Andersen Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the
road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken
was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the
competencies required for the newly competitive market.
Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client,
helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy
and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration
Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills,
methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its
overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened diverse cross-spectrum of road
analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with
deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day
itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal
knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to
synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of
delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an
enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry
cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like
setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which
was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a
consistent, clear,and unified market message and aligned with
the chicken's mission, vision,and core values. This was conducive
towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more
successful.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man.
The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and
keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will
be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
question.

Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto
the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did NOT cross the road.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken
doing walking around allover the place, anyway?"

Sigmund Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook.

Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the
road?"Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time,
whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Charles Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been
naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
disposed to crossroads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road .. it
transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Michael Schumacher: It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken
obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Hillary Clinton: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against
my husband.

Bill Clinton: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time.
Never. (It was a boulevard.)

Harvard Law Professor Alan Dershowitz: It is not at all clear that
the chicken crossed the road. And what about those pigs, ducks,
and geese that cross the road all the time. Why are we singling out
the chicken for scrutiny and public humiliation?

Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank: The alleged crossing,
whether it in fact occurred or not, is a private, consensual matter
concerning only the chicken and the road. The inquiry into this event
is a gross invasion of the chicken's personal life and is a waste of
this committee's time and the taxpayer's money.

Judiciary Committee Chairman Henry Hyde: The gentleman's time
has expired.

Bill Clinton (again): It depends on your definition of "cross". If
"cross"means to traverse an identified road at a specific location,
under its own power and volition, free from duress or prodding,
completely from one edge to the other without returning to the
point of origination, on a publicly-recognized and properly
maintained thoroughfare at a specified date and time,
corroborated by sworn statements of reliable witnesses, then
you may say that it occurred - if the evidence is incontrovertible
(and not subsequently ruled as not evidentiary) and proper legal
procedures have been followed in obtaining the facts.

OJ Lawyer Johnny Cochran: If it didn't squawk, it didn't walk.

 

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ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK: * 12% Monday * 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday * 20% Thursday * 5% Friday

FOR SALE -- Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people
everyday

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming
in terror like the passengers in his car.

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her name was, "Always".

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing.

HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.... ....or is it?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
IRS.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt her.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)
(Just ask Clinton)

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people
make up 75% of the population.

First draw the curve, then plot the data.

ILLINOIS... The Land of the Voting Dead

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE
BELOW AVERAGE.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER.

OTHER THAN THAT, MRS. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

If you run out of sick days, call in dead.

 

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A man walked into the ladies department of Macy's, one of the
largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the
woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for
my wife." "What type of bra?", asked the clerk.

"Type?", inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of
bras in every shape, size, color, and material. "Actually, even
with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,
" she said. Confused now, the man asked what were the types.
The sales lady replied, "The Catholic Type, the Salvation Army
type, and the Baptist type.

Which one did you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What
is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is really quite simple. The Catholic type
supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

 

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Subject: A Little Monday Humor
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt,
leather jacket, and jeans.Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who
are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the
Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver,
of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of
Heaven."The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff,
and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I
am Joseph Snow, preacher at the church on the corner for the
last forty-three years."Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff
and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.""Just a minute," says the
minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe
and golden staff. How can this be?""Up here, we work by results,"
says Saint Peter. "While you preached,people slept; while he
drove, people prayed!"

 

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Church Humor

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were
inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small
cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Rev. Warren  J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church
of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord,
please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens!
Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist
and 50 Catholic ones."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and
one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I
guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck,
if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the
children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and
said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order.
His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son
ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where
a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?"
the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My
son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back
down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time
when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said,
"Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me."
Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow
up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the
pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one
of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say
what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed
her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these
people to dinner?"

 

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Subject: The Month After Christmas

Date: January 09, 2:10 PM The Month After Christmas
Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties, had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---

I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!
"So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished"
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
"I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

 

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Mind Game

 

You must follow the rules on this one exactly, otherwise it won't
work.It's really scary how this works out.NO CHEATING!!!!

First, get a pen and paper.
Second, write the numbers one through six.
Next to number one, write any number...
Next to number two, write the name of anyone to which you are
really attracted.
Next to three, write down the first color you can think of.
Next to number four, write the name of your first pet.
Next to number five and six write down the name of a family
member.

Remember...no cheating.....Keep scrolling down.

Don't cheat, or you'll be upset.......here's the answers....

The number next to number one show how many times you
should be smashed over the head with a baseball bat for
thinking that stupid e-mails like this actually mean anything....

The person named next to number two is someone who will
never go out with you because you're stupid enough to waste
your time on something like this....

The color you picked means nothing. It's a friggin' color for
Goodness= sake...

Number four gives you the name of a dead animal....

Numbers five and six represent family members who are
embarrassed to be related to you.....

Pass this on to everyone you know, so they can feel like an
idiot too.

 

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Subject: An Xmas story.

Dear friends,

This is what happens when you tangle with the legal profession:
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LEGALLY SPEAKING. Whereas,
on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a
certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House")
a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to,a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been
affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope
and/or belief that St.Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the unemancipated children, of the
aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and
were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein
visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to,
candies, nuts, and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort, and
otherwise appear in said dreams.Whereupon the party of the
first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as"I"), being the
joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the
second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had
retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties
were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur
upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant
to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown
nature, cause, and/or circumstance.The party of the first part
did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the
cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some
degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter
"the Vehicle")being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the
air by approximately eight(8=) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle
appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction, and
guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically
identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer,
Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid,Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter
"the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted
that an additional coconspirator named "Rudolph" may have
been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the
Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,
and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys,
and other items of unknown  origin or nature. Suddenly,
without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied,
the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House
via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was
partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried
a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned
packages,toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what
appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local
ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stockings
of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with
toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute
"gifts" to said minors, pursuant to the applicable provisions of the
U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose
and flew,rose, and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to
the roof where the vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as
"lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown
destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer, and Claus
from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state
and/or exclaim:"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
Or words to that effect.

 

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WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN
TESTOSTERONE
by Matt Groening (guy who does the Simpsons)

RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry
and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a
poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her
life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after
the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and
say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll
never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.
But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You, I Love You" drunken phone
call and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are
community colleges that offer courses to help men get over
this need.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most
17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old
males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other
wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances
rarely work out.

MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked
women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked
women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of
art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be
seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a
naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from
women.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of
these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then
goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the
only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he
goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By
the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed
tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course,
this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and
romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears
and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short
people living in the house.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water
the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book,
get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will
wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical
pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his
laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful
women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs
of old American sitcoms.

EATING OUT: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack
will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.
None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually
admit they want change back. When the girls get their check,
out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a
mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections
in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe
Garagiola's head.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes
through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and
biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes
varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a
uniform reaction-he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap
and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy
in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds
them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates
only married women.

MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach
the age of 11or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of
their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply
become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of
men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers
and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve
cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps,
and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three
things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about
money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think
they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk
about one thing in the locker : sex. And not in abstract terms,
either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they
never lie.

MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do
a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of
movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their
asses, because ass size doesn't really matter.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man
can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more
than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five
more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when
a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither
of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men
on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of
which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will
never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met
will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never
in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a
restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take
a leak. Do you want to join me?"

 

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'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners,they had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football ... someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy PEACE ON EARTH."

 

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Long Distance Carrier

Didn't know if you all would find this funny, but I thought it was
very creative.  One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm
sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only
to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided,
on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were
to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
(swallowing)

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on. At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5
minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up
the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked
up the receiver, they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for
calling. (When you are not interested in something, I don't think
you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really
not interested," but this lady was persistent.)

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute,
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. (Now, I am
sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute
but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that
it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little
ciphering.)

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes
sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one
big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you
send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day,
$1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in
knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: No, Sir, you give us10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me10 cents
a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll
give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute?
Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read
about things like this in the Inquirer you know. Don't use your
alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold. So now AT&T has me on hold
and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting
for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have
a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our
10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is. (I had to swallow before I choked
on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I
had to be careful not to produce a snort.)

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to
me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person
who was helping you.
Me: Thank you. (I was on hold once again and managed a few
more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly,
there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of
the phone.)

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested
in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can
never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really
like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)

 

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12 Days of Christmas

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,Agnes
==========================================
December 15, 1972

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.

All my love,Agnes
==========================================
December 16, 1972

Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling
but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,Agnes
==========================================
December 17, 1972

Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,they
are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being
too romantic.

Affectionately,Agnes
============================================
December 18, 1972

Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings,
one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly,
all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,Agnes
============================================
December 19, 1972

Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The
neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.

Cordially,Agnes
=============================================
December 20, 1972

John:
What's with you and those freaking birds? ? Seven swans
aswimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at
night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those
freaking birds.

Sincerely,Agnes
============================================
December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8
maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids
a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure
all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off
me, peabrain.

Agnes
=============================================
December 22, 1972

Hey Doofuss:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And man, do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows
are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds.What am I going to do? The neighbors have started
a petition to evict me.You'll get yours !

Agnes
=============================================
December 23, 1972

You rotten jerk:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies. They've been kissing those pipers all night long.Now
the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a
river of dung. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me
to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.I'm
calling the police on you !

Agnes
=============================================
December 24, 1972

Listen You Big Turkey:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing mayhem with
the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten
vicious swine.Your sworn enemy,

Agnes
==============================================
December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss
Agnes McHolstein.The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention. If you should
attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium,
the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

 

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That's All, Folks!