Humor Page 3

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[ Simple Equations and Logic ]
[ Kids say the darnedest things ]
[ Retirement Plan ]
[ Four Strangers on a Train ]
[ Famous Quotations .. or Not? ]
[ Be Careful, Love Can Kill ]
[ A Perfect Man?.. A Perfect Woman? ]
[ More, Yes, More About Clinton ]
[ A Parrot Joke ]
[ Headline Humor ]
[ Santa's Really Bitter ]
[ You Might Be a Redneck... ]
[ Subject: 1812 Overture... Don't Try This At Home ]
[ Thanksgiving Forecast ]
[ Kermit Needs a Loan ]
[ Pick-Up Lines and Put-Downs ]
[ For OSU Fans Only ]
[ Subject: Plain English ]
[Three Vampires at a Bar ]
[ Follow Instructions Carefully... ]
[ Her Husband's Funeral ]
[ And You Think Your Job Is Stressful... ]
[ The Wisdom of Children ]
[ Stuff You Should Have Learned In Grade School ]
[ Engineers In Heaven ]
[ Having a Bad Day? ]

















Dumb and Smart

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend .A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument, Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There is 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.


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Kids say the darnedest things.

Here are some tips from kids on subjects of romance.


"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." Kally, age 9

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10


"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!" Cam, age 10

"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!" Freddie, age 6


"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8


"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8


"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age10


"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9


"When they're rich!" Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8


"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing: I'm never going to make love with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!" Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9

"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10


"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, young'uns... I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'" Craig, age 9


"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." Marlon, age 10


"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" Ricky, age 7

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8


"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one." Angie L., age 10


"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8


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Retirement plan

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when --all of a sudden-- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three
wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And...gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess"


She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh, can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear.

"I bet you're sorry you had me neutered."


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FOUR strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.


The older lady was thinking,  "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face,  was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear,  was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"


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One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour."

Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".

"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those little twits would just shut the hell up."

Upon overhearing this rude comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton."

"I'll see you Monday..."



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An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ...  in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor: "Pierre, Pierre,
... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple making love. "

To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After
carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British"


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Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Ferrari 355) along a winding
road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.


****Men keep scrolling.


So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, it illustrates
another point. Women never listen either.



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More Clinton, Yes, More Clinton

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of _ _ _ _ that he can't fly.

Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."

Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Did you hear what Gennifer Flowers said when asked if her relations with Bill Clinton were similar to Monica's? "Close but no cigar!"


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Parrot Joke

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing"

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi we're the (fun girls)*. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're the (fun girls)*. Do you want to
have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"


* In this family web site you are invited to use words of your choice.



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Headline Humor

* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
* Air Head Fired
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under Sheriff
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors



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Santa's Really Bitter

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was miffed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have a good mind to can the whole works .

I've busted my butt for almost a year Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear? The old lady complains cause I work late at night The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and harrassed all the maids. Donner has cancer and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better Those idiots from IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny Who the heck ever ends Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days - man if they ain't the pits. They want the impossible ...those ungrateful little twits.

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds. Assembling dolls...their arms, legs and heads. Made a ton of yo yo's - No requests for them. They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

If you think that's bad...just picture this. Try holding those brats...with their pants full of _ _ _ _. They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard. And if I don't smile.. the parents think I'm weird .

Flying through the air...dodging the trees. Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees. I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment. I'll sit on my fat butt and draw unemployment. There's no Christmas this year... and now you know the reason. I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!


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You might be a Redneck if...

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your daddy walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.



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Subject: 1812 overture - please don't try this at home

August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay

Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's
concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above
the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.

What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the
orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overallsound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing
measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as the I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone which exited the mouthpiece burning his lips and face.

The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.

The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out "Hey, everyone, watch this!



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In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry
sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week,
eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.



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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he
wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says:

"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what on earth is this?"

So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



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Pick-Up Lines

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? "
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"



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OSU Fans Only

Subject: THE game week humor

At their annual meeting before the beginning of the season, the top 20 coaches decided to install golden telephones in their office.

Sam, a star recruit, was taking an official visit to Penn State. He walked into coach Paterno's office and immediately asked what the golden telephone was for. Coach Paterno replied "It's a direct line to heaven."

Sam became very excited and asked if he could make a call. JoPa said "Sure, but it will cost $100 and the check can be made payable to the PSU athletic foundation."

Sam said, "Wow! That's a lot of money. I'll have to pass."

On Sam's next visit, to Michigan this time, he saw an identical golden phone and asked coach Carr what the phone was for. Coach Carr replied "It's a direct line to heaven, and a call will cost only $50 and the check can be made out to the Michigan Athletic Foundation."

Sam replied, "That's a lot of money. I'll have to pass."

On Sam's final official visit, to Ohio State now, he saw the same golden phone. He asked how much to it would cost to make a call. Coach Cooper replied, "Only a quarter."

Sam became very excited and asked Coach Cooper why his golden phone only cost a quarter. Coach Cooper replied, "Because it's a local call!" GO BUCKS!

Heard that UM's Lloyd Carr was dressing only twenty-two players against OSU.

He said the rest could dress themselves!


Q: What does the average UM player get on his SAT?
A: Drool

Q: Why do University of Michigan graduates hang their diplomas from the rear view mirror?
A: To justify their handicap parking.

Q: How do you keep Wolverines out of your backyard?
A: Put up goalposts.

Q: Why doesn't UM have ice on the sidelines during games?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the UM campus?
A: The officials had to check ID's before letting anyone back on board.

Q. What do you get when you drive slowly by the University of Michigan campus?
A. A degree.

Two football players were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the University of Michigan. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?"

The other replies, "He had a farm."

The first asks, "How do you spell it?"

To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O." *******************************************

A UM grad decides he wants to raise chickens. So he goes to the feed store, buys a bunch of baby chicks, plants 'em feet-first in the ground, and, sadly, after a couple of days, they die.

He figures he's doing something wrong, so he goes back to the feed store and buys more chicks. This time he plants 'em headfirst, and they die even faster.

The UM grad is now at his wit's end, so he decides to write to his alma mater, tell them what he's doing, and see if maybe they have any suggestions.

Two weeks later, he gets a note back from UM asking for a soil sample.




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Subject: Plain English

"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry." = You'll be sorry.
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.
"We need to talk" = I need to complain.
"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
"I heard a noise" =I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like.
"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.
"You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.
"Are you listening to me!?" =[Too late, you're dead.]

he answer to "What's wrong?":

The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot




"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?"= I'd eventually like to make love with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?"= I'd eventually like to make love with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to make love with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to make love with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess making love tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to make love?
"I love you." = Let's make love now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better make love now!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to make love with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to make love with other guys.



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"Three Vampires at the Bar"

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light!"


  And Still More Bat Stuff...

"A Bloody Nose"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

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Instructions for Use

These statements were found on actual products. God help us...

On hair dryer instructions Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

Frozen dinner that says: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box)

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boots' (pharmacy chain in the UK) children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery after use.

On Nytol: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.


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This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it
must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"


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And you think your job is stressful...

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to
visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had
eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?"

And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.



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Warm-up Shortie: If you wish to make a *real* sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.


Kids' Instructions On Life

Never trust a dog to watch your food. --Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. --Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. --Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. --Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
--Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
--Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.
--Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. --Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom. --Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert. --Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. --Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. --Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. --Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. --Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat. --Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster. --Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station. --Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. --Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. --Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. --Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. --Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes. --Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
--Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake. Go for the icing! --Cynthia, Age 8



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Stuff you should have learned in grade school

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps blood out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds. (Note from moi - catfish aren't animals.)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head before it starves to death.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Starfish haven't got brains




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Subject: just keep on coming in... An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?""





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Having a bad day?

Picture yourself near a beautiful stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Little forest animals play happily with one another.
Nothing can bother your here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called the "world".
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.
There now....feeling better?

That's all, folks!



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