[ Blonde Joke #65,458 ]
[ Woman - an elementary definition ]
[ 50 Fun Things to do at Wal-Mart ]
[ And now you know the rest of the rest of the story ]
[ A ship in distress ]
[ Doc, you have to help me... ]
[ Compilation of actual Church Bulletin and service
[ Talk about poor translations.... ]
[ Subject: * Puns...Puns for Everyone! ]
[ A sad commentary on how our government works (or not?)
[ Clocks in Heaven ]
[ When the end of the world arrives, how will the media
[ Bumperstickers ]
[ Why I can't come to school / work today ]
[ For those of you with girls... ]
50 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART (make that 51....)
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding
them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in narrow
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think
we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the
volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so
long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud
enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.
Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and
say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite
them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm
Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't
you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them,
yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in
stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with
G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make
off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position
and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the
store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if
they can put a little umbrella in it.
51. Say over the speakers real loud, "Cusimeer asystem. Come to de fish."
OH NO, THIS COULD RUIN YOUR LIFE....DO NOT READ
THIS UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL
An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace,
in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager
possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools
to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next
Mace and his master lived from one day to
the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with
one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the
old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing
away on the lawn.
One bright, sunny day the old man said
goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of
the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food
for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully.
He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house
and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench.
To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He dug
around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped
its contents on the floor but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he
couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's
supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told
the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation,
the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone
The old man packed up his tools and headed
home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a
spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But
finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as
usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the
old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him,
and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no
food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the
future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had!
Then he caught a glimpse of something
shining in the grass. As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material
was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped
it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been
eating farther away from the house than he usually did!
The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a
hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and
the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion.
Few people have ever heard these
words...until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has
his name recorded in music history.
The old man never did get the credit he
deserved. But now you are privileged to read the opening line of his original poem, which
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound
that saved a wrench for me."
This purports to be the transcript of an ACTUAL
radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES'
ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE-FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
This is a lighthouse. Your call.
"Doc you have to help me," the
desperate man pleaded. "My wife isn't interested in me anymore. Don't you have
something I can give her? My life is utterly going to hell!"
The doctor opened his desk drawer and removed a small bottle of
pills. "Ordinarily I wouldn't do this," the medic replied. "The tests so
far indicate that they are very powerful. Don't give her more than one, understand?"
"OK", the grateful fellow promised. That evening after dinner the man's wife
went to the kitchen to fetch dessert. He pulled the pills from his pocket and dropped one
into her coffee. He thought for a moment, hesitated, then dropped in a second pill. And
then an inspiration struck-and he dropped one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returned and they enjoyed their dessert and coffee. A few minutes after they
finished, the wife shuddered a little and sighed deeply, then a strange look entered her
eyes. In a husky near whisper she said, "Oh God, I need a man".
The husband's eyes glistened, his hands trembled and said "me too".
Subject: Compilation of actual Church Bulletin
and service bloopers.
* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
* Don't let worry kill you-let the church help.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church.Please use
large double door at the side entrance.
* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program
herself and has been growing like crazy!
* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the
sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church.
Children will be baptized at both ends.
* Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will
please come early.
* Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little
bed" accompanied by the pastor.
* Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All
ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the
* The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies
will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All
those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the
church basement Saturday.
* Thursday night-Potluck supper.; Prayer and medication to follow.
* The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread
and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
* 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and
to the deterioration of some older ones.
* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come
early and listen to our choir practice.
* The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing,
"Break Forth With Joy."
* Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear
parking lot for this activity.
* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon
when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green
who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the hanging of the Greens.
* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the
church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
* Pastor is on vacation.; Massages can be given to church secretary.
* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of
their first child.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will
be used to cripple children.
* The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge-Up Yours."
Talk about poor translations....
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted
them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the
Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer from diarrhea".
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign:
"Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to
find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for
the "manure stick".
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the
US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies
routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted
the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read
"I saw the potato" (la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi
brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite
the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the
dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou
kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth".
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have
read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". The company
thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so
the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant"
12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the
Mexican market, it translated its "Flying leather" campaign literally, which
meant "Fly naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
Subject: * Puns...Puns for Everyone!
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it
sank. Proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous
actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The
second one, naturally, became known a the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and
announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the
holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs
Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny
hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings,
"O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The
bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other,
"Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you
sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the Zen docent who approached a hot-dog vendor and implored, "Make
me one with everything" ?
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby
discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of
the office and asked them to dis- perse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved
off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way
home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at
precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of he work day approached, the bartender was
dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together
a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular
time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri,
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across
two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away
on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different
puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring
dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a
wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies:
"It's very simple. You're two tents."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in
Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name
him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've
A sad commentary on how our government works
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the
government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising
hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs
on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I
approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not
to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just
as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of
how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has
been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in
1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I
plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn.
I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I
qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not
going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any
information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan
to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.
Clocks in Heaven
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the
entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him
all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the
cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has
left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than
others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving
and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning
at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to
use it as a fan."
When the end of the world arrives, how will the media report
The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE
THE LAST NEW THING
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT=20
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15
1) The Gene pool could use a little chlorine
2) Guns don't kill people, I do
3) Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot
4) If we aren't supposed to eat animals why are they made of meat?
5) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
6) According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist
7) Forget about world peace...Visualize using your turn signal
8) We have enough youth -- Let's have a fountain of smart
9) Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot
10) He who laughs last thinks slowest
11) Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else
12) Very funny Scotty -- Now beam down my clothes
13) Puritanism -- The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy
14) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
15) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated
16) 3 kinds of People: Those who can count and those who can't
17) Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggy" until you can find a rock
18) I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles
19) Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself
Why I can't come to work/school today
1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean
all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. can't get off
the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour
Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday
(right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity
of the power source exactly e*log (pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my
dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me
for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some sort of attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how
about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be
sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work
knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint
so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
14. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her
coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should
15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely
surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
18. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist
on paying my fair share.
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 120 lbs. but varies from 110 lbs. to 260 lbs.
OCCURANCE: Copious quantities in all Urban Areas
1: Surface usually covered with painted film.
2: Boils at various temperatures.
3: Freezes without any known reason.
4: Melts if given special treatment.
5: Bitter if incorrectly used.
6: Found in various states from Virgin Metal to Common Ore.
7: Yields to pressure if applied to correct points.
1: Has great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of precious stones.
2: Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3: May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4: Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5: Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
1: Highly ornamental especially in sports cars.
2: Can be a great aid in relaxation.
3: Very efficient cleaning agent
1: Pure specimen turns rosy pink when found in its natural state.
2: Turns green when placed next to a better specimen
1: Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2: Dangerous to posses more than one, although can be maintained at different locations as
long as they do not come into direct contact with each other.
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each
other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would
like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying
that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the
match, so he makes another offer:
"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I
don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this
torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and
hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes
up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches
all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even
the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he
knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde
and hands her $50.
The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well,
so what IS the answer?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes
back to sleep.
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my
girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his
daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous
expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt
when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.
My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that
because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have
on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as
you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of
my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take
this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to
be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to
the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your
trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to
sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I
require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other
girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is
finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more
than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you
should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take
longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you
do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there
are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places
where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature
is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam's
apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her
date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are
only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of
these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them.
(I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing
the rules onhis arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my
wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice
pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he
had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen
times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being
that age?" she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
That's all there is. There ain't no more.