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[ Blonde Joke #65,458 ]
[ Woman - an elementary definition ]
[ 50 Fun Things to do at Wal-Mart ]
[ And now you know the rest of the rest of the story ]
[ A ship in distress ]
[ Doc, you have to help me... ]
[ Compilation of actual Church Bulletin and service bloopers.]
[ Talk about poor translations.... ]
[ Subject:  * Puns...Puns for Everyone!  ]
[ A sad commentary on how our government works (or not?) ]
[ Clocks in Heaven ]
[ When the end of the world arrives, how will the media report it?]
[ Bumperstickers ]
[ Why I can't come to school / work today ]
[ For those of you with girls... ]

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50 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART (make that 51....)

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud   enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.


51. Say over the speakers real loud, "Cusimeer asystem. Come to de fish."

 

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OH NO, THIS COULD RUIN YOUR LIFE....DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day.

Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully.
He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench.

To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to  grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had!

Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did!

The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion.

Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history.

The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the opening line of his original poem, which began:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."

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This purports to be the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:

Americans:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians;
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

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"Doc you have to help me," the desperate man pleaded. "My wife isn't interested in me anymore. Don't you have something I can give her? My life is utterly going to hell!"

The doctor opened his desk drawer and removed a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily I wouldn't do this," the medic replied. "The tests so far indicate that they are very powerful. Don't give her more than one, understand?"

"OK", the grateful fellow promised. That evening after dinner the man's wife went to the kitchen to fetch dessert. He pulled the pills from his pocket and dropped one into her coffee. He thought for a moment, hesitated, then dropped in a second pill. And then an inspiration struck-and he dropped one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returned and they enjoyed their dessert and coffee. A few minutes after they finished, the wife shuddered a little and sighed deeply, then a strange look entered her eyes. In a husky near whisper she said, "Oh God, I need a man".
The husband's eyes glistened, his hands trembled and said "me too".

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Subject: Compilation of actual Church Bulletin and service bloopers.

* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

* Don't let worry kill you-let the church help.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church  and   community         

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian  Church.Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church.  Children will be baptized at both ends.

* Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

* Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

* Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club.  All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers"  will meet with the Pastor in his study.

* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

* The service will close with "Little Drops of Water."  One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

* Thursday night-Potluck supper.; Prayer and medication to follow.

* The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

* 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

* Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we  request that all remain in the sanctuary for the hanging of the Greens.

* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the  church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

* Pastor is on vacation.; Massages can be given to church secretary.

* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge-Up Yours."


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Talk about poor translations....

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico.  It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.  Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.  Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit.  Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

8. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth".

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you".  The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to  embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you  pregnant"

12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Flying leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

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  Subject:  * Puns...Puns for Everyone!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank.  Proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak  and  heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known a the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a  big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"  The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"  "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the Zen docent who approached a hot-dog vendor and implored, "Make me one with everything" ?

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to dis- perse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.  The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of he work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men.  One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist.  "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams.  First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam.  It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.  Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


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A sad commentary on how our government works (or not?)
       
    
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
    
Dear Sir;
    
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.  So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
    
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?  I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies.  I would prefer not to raise  razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
    
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
    
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business.   He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
    
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.  Then I can afford an airplane.
    
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn.  I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat.  Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
    
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.
    
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
    
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.     
Patriotically Yours,
    
Morgan
    
P.S.  Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more  free cheese.

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Clocks in Heaven
  
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
  
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.   
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
  
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
  
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
  
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
  
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room  before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
  
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

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When the end of the world arrives, how will the media report it?

USA Today:
WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Inquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER

Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest:
'BYE

Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT=20
AFFECT THE  WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON"  DIET!

America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15
MINUTES.

 

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Bumperstickers

1) The Gene pool could use a little chlorine

2) Guns don't kill people, I do

3) Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot

4) If we aren't supposed to eat animals why are they made of meat?

5) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

6) According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist

7) Forget about world peace...Visualize using your turn signal

8) We have enough youth -- Let's have a fountain of smart

9) Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot

10) He who laughs last thinks slowest

11) Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else

12) Very funny Scotty -- Now beam down my clothes

13) Puritanism -- The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy

14) Consciousness:  That annoying time between naps

15) We are Microsoft.  Resistance is futile.  You will be assimilated

16) 3 kinds of People:  Those who can count and those who can't

17) Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggy" until you can find a rock

18) I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles

19) Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself

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Why I can't come to work/school today
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log (pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

4. My stigmata's acting up.

5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some sort of attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

13. I prefer to remain an enigma.

14. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and  give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

18. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

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WOMAN Chemical

ELEMENT: Woman

SYMBOL: WO

DISCOVERER: MAN

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 120 lbs. but varies from 110 lbs. to 260 lbs.

OCCURANCE: Copious quantities in all Urban Areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES.
1: Surface usually covered with painted film.
2: Boils at various temperatures.
3: Freezes without any known reason.
4: Melts if given special treatment.
5: Bitter if incorrectly used.
6: Found in various states from Virgin Metal to Common Ore.
7: Yields to pressure if applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES.
1: Has great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of precious stones.
2: Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3: May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4: Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5: Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES.
1: Highly ornamental especially in sports cars.
2: Can be a great aid in relaxation.
3: Very efficient cleaning agent

TESTS.
1: Pure specimen turns rosy pink when found in its natural state.
2: Turns green when placed next to a better specimen

POTENTIAL HAZARDS.
1: Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2: Dangerous to posses more than one, although can be maintained at different locations as long as they do not come into direct contact with each other.

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A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules onhis arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?


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That's all there is.  There ain't no more.