Humor Page 2

horizontal rule

Home Up Page1 Page2 Page3 Page4 Page5 Computer Humor

[ If Men Really Ran Things... ]
[ How It Came to Be... ]
[ You Know You Are Old When... ]
[ As I Grow Older... ]
[ The Little Girl in The Park ]
[ Are You Going to Play Golf, or What? ]
[ A Daughter's Curiosity ]
[ Tragedy in the Airways ]
[ Efficiency in The Restaurant ]
[ Subject: The History of Beer ]
[ A Letter to The Miller Brewing Company ]
[ Miller's Response to Mr. Lee ]
[ Headline Humor ]
[ How to Interpret Want Ads ]
[ Definitions According to Grammar School  Kids ]
[ Pentagon Phrase Book ]
[ Congress Passes Americans With No Abililities Act ]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If Men Really Ran Things:

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How it came to be........

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.

The mule answered: "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, '"Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

And it was so.

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You know you are old when

WHO'S OLD? (You know time has a way of catching up with us all... )

* Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
* Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
* Despite the cost of living, it's still quite popular.
* Time wounds all heels.
* Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.
* If you're old enough to know better, you're too old to do it.
* Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you!
* I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee) * You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
* You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
* You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.
* I'm getting just like my great-grandchildren-wearing diapers and using a walker.
* The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
* It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
* You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
* Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.
* Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money
* At my age, 'getting a little action' means I don't need to take a laxative.
* The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. * Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home. (Phyllis Diller)

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I grow older and older, And totter toward the tomb........ I find that I care less and less, who goes to bed with whom. (Dorothy Sayers)

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling........ and you didn't do anything the night before.

I have my 87th birthday coming up, and people ask me what I'd most appreciate getting. I tell them: a paternity suit. (George Burns)

My grandmother's 90; she's dating a man 93. They never argue.... They can't hear each other.

My uncle reads the obits every day............ He can't understand how people always die in alphabetical order.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book...... Your library card has expired.

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent....... And you don't know it till the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes.... Just so you don't have to go along.

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"The lil' girl in the park"

There was this lil' girl one day sitting in the park. Everyone passed and never stopped to see why she looked so sad. Dressed in a worn pink dress, bare foot and dirty, the girl just sat and watched people go by.

She never tried to speak, she never said a word. Many people passed, but never did one person stop. Just so happens the next day I decided to go back to the park, in curiosity, to see if the lil' girl would still be there. Right in the very spot as she was

Yesterday she sat perched on high, with the saddest look in her eyes. Today I was to make my own move and walk over to the lil' girl. For as we all know a park full of strange people is not a place for young children to play alone. As I got closer I could see the back of the lil' girls dress was obscenely shaped. I figured that was a reason the people just passed by and made no effort to help.

Having a deformity is a low blow in our society and, "so help you" if you make a step toward assisting someone who is different. As I got closer the lil' girl slightly lowered her eyes to avoid my intent stare. As I approached her, I could see the obscene shape of her back more clearly. It was grotesquely shaped in a humped over form. I smiled to let her know it was OK, I was there to help, to talk. I sat down beside her and opened with a simple "Hello." The lil' girl acted shocked and stammered a "Hi" after a long stare into my eyes. I smiled and she shyly smiled back. We talked till darkness fell and the park was completely empty.

Everyone was gone and we at once were alone. I asked the girl why she was so sad. The lil' girl looked at me and with a sad face said "Because I'm different." I immediately said "that you are!" and smiled. The lil' girl acted even sadder, she said, "I know." "Lil' girl," I said, "You remind me of an angel, sweet and innocent."

She looked at me and smiled, slowly she stood to her feet, and said. Really?". "Yes ma'am, you're like a lil' guardian angel sent to watch over all those people walking by." She shook her head yes and smiled, with that she spread her wings and said, "I am, I'm your guardian angel," with a twinkle in her eye. I was speechless. sure I was seeing things. She said, "For once you thought of someone other than yourself. My job here is done." Immediately I stood to my feet and said, "Wait! So, why did no one stop to help an angel?". She looked at me and smiled, "You're the only one that could see me. Since you believe, you see with your heart."

And she was gone. And with that my life was changed dramatically.

So, when you think you're all you have, remember, your angel is always watching over you.( Mine was... )

Pass this to everyone that means anything at all to you... make sure you send it back to the person that sent it to you, to let them know you're glad they care about you. Like the story says we all need someone.

Every one of your friends is an angel in their own way. And cyber buddies are the best!!! There is a road. No simple highway, between the dawn and the dark of night. And if you go, no one may follow. That path is for your steps alone. Author unknown

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NICE SHOT

Moses and Jesus are part of a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulls up to the tee and drives a long one. The ball lands on the fairway, but rolls directly toward a water trap.

Quickly Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball rolls to the other side, safe and sound.

Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It lands right in the center of the pond and kind of hovers over the water. Jesus casually walks out on the pond and chips the ball right up onto the green.

Then the third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a shack close by and rolls down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond.

On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it comes quietly to rest.

Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps up on the lily pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down and grabs the frog and flies away. As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball, which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers, "I HATE playing with your Dad."

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOT KEEPING UP VERY WELL

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, how old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy how much do you weigh?" The mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded

"Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything." Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old." The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." "Where did you learn that? The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've many men in my lifetime, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil - at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh.. why, or what...about that string?" "Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too." "How's that?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves,we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!" "Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subject: history of beer

To all those BEER LOVERS, here's something to drink and ponder thenext time you reach for a nice ice cold oneIt was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for amonth after the wedding, the bride's father would supply hisson-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, andbecause their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the"honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold,and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die.

Thisthumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in oldEngland, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clearfrom the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer". After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, orale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy’s rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon "Old Grog", after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy". Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice. Now you can appreciate the importance of BEER throughout history.

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you enjoy a beer on occasion, particularly Miller, consider this: An actual letter sent to Miller Brewing Company and their response:

Miller Brewing Company Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201 Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80's). Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew. But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold!

Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations: 1. Your cans are made of aluminum. 2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy. 3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight. 4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can. 5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer). 6. Warm beer sucks.

This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can. . . black!!! Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.

Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below. The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party (the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time).

These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers. The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.

Beer Type______________ Average Suck-point (minutes)
Miller Lite (white can)________________ 6.2
Bud (white can)_____________________ 5.5
Bud Lite (silver can)__________________ 5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can)__________ 4.4
Coors Lite (silver can)_________________ 4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can)__________ 2.8
Coors (gold can)_____________________ 0.1

It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suck point, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point. It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you. Sincerely, Bradley Lee Beer-drinker =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Miller response appears below. They have had a lot of fun with this guy's letter. Enjoy. . . Dear Bradley Lee,

Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration.

Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States. First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature.

Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now wreaking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staff working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized.

However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinkers and Southern beer drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it w as never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers._ We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.

However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes._ However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame. From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems.

Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as "shot-gunning". You should like the name.

Again, thank you for your letter and bringing to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am having our advertising department work on a campaign to solve this problem, too. Sincerely, Tom B. Miller Public Relations Miller Brewing Co.

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Headline Humor

* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
* Air Head Fired
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under Sheriff
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

 

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Job Ad Phrases Defined

Advancement opportunity: Lousy job.

Entry level: Really lousy job.

No experience necessary: The mother of all lousy jobs.

Administrative assistant: Lousy job with a title.

Ground floor opportunity: Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.

Progressive company: Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

Team player: Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.

Upbeat personality: Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.

Word processing skills essential: There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

Public relations: Receptionist

Professional appearance important: $20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner: Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

Salary range $24,000 to $32,000: The salary is $24,000

Jeans job! Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.

Will train: Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.

B.A. required, master's preferred: Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary

Civil service: This job was filled from the inside six months ago.

Women & minorities encouraged to apply: White males need not waste the stamp.

Outstanding benefits package: Health insurance.

Tons of variety! We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job.

Top-notch communication skills: Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive location: Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.

Secretary: Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.

Executive secretary: The most powerful position in the company

Dedicated: You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.

Salary commensurate: We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.

Salary negotiable We'll take the lowest bidder.

Competitive salary: We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.

Competitive starting salary: Ten cents above minimum wage.

Pleasant atmosphere: A staff of pod people.

Professional atmosphere: Zombie pod people.

Fun, creative atmosphere: Pod people from hell.

Dynamic atmosphere: Zombie pod people from hell.

Gal Friday: Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.

Self-starter: Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means.

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

- The future of "I give" is "I take."

- The parts of speech are lungs and air.

- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

Shortie for the Day... Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pentagon Phrase Book

What Pentagon officials say - And what they really mean:

Essentially Complete It's half done

We predict... We hope to God!

Risk is high but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.

Potential show stopper: The team has updated their resumes.

Serious but not insurmountable problems: It'll take a miracle...

Basic agreement has been reached: The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.

Results are being quantified: We're massaging the numbers so that they will agree with our conclusions.

Task force to review: 7 people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project

Not well defined at this time: Nobody's even thought about it.

Still analyzing the requirements: See previous answer.

Not well understood: Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore

Requires further analysis and management attention: Totally out of control!

Results are promising: Turned power on and no smoke detected - this time...

 

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dateline: Washington, DC August 10, 1998 For Immediate Release:

CONGRESS PASSES AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT

WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.

The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of US citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. " Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, filling in mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of non-abled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire non-abled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented new hires. Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the non-abled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"

"As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Elaine Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Cleveland tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."

With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, nonessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation.

cnvup.gif (1463 bytes)

horizontal rule

That's All, Folks!