The Catholic Dictionary:

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2.Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass,consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Subject: Heartbreak, Then Revenge

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were madly in love.  When they graduated, they wanted to  go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her and her new boyfriend in a very compromising situation and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was very upset. So, what he did next was awesome.He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad,having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

HEAVEN'S ENTRANCE EXAM

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 1000points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 1000 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 year end never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."

"One point? I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he says.

"Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God.

"Come on in!"

The only survivor of a shipwreck washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stung with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.

Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him."How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers."We saw your smoke signal," they replied.Remember next time your little hut is burning to the ground--it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God.

As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the at monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED

FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT   DOWN HERE

Dear IRS,Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00.

Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw". (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman in the top bunk, the man in the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies, "Get your own blanket."

Poor Ed

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life --until the boat sank.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "Islander here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take anymore coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still.How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement,

he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom.There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "What next?"When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely.There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean---", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here....?"

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mom asked."Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said,"Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet."

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table."What are you doing?" his mother asked."The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

"Can people predict the future with cards?" said one little boy to another. "My mother can," said the other boy. "Really?" "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Dad gets home."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer.She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN"

Where's the English Channel?I don't know, our television doesn't pick it up.

Pancake Breakfast
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5,Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Subject: The Clock. Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. She met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and noticed there were clocks everywhere. She asked St. Peter what they were for. He replied, "Each clock is assigned to a person on earth. Every time a person tells a lie, one second clicks off." He went on to say, "This clock belongs to an honest woman in India, hardly anytime has clicked off her clock. This is your clock, pretty normal." Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?" St. Peter replied, "Oh, it's in Jesus' office upstairs. He is using it as a ceiling fan."

Subject: 30 blonde jokes

1.) What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

2.) Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.

3.) Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home.

4.) What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them.

5.) What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.

6.) Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.

7.) Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.

8.) How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.

9.) Why can't Blondes dial 911? They can't find the 11 on the phone!

10.) What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

11.) How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer? There is whiteout all over the monitor.

12.) Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.

13.) A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!"

The doctor asks, "Where you ever a Blonde?"

"Yes, I was," she replies. "why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "Because your finger is broken!"

14.) A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"

15.) A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21" A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21" Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle and jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The Brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting "22" "22" "22"

16.) How do you drown a Blonde? Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

17.) Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.

18.) How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.

19.) Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

20.) Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for Winter."

21.) Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

22.) A Blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't you see I'm winning?!"

23.) Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks,"and the other one said, "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

24.) Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"

25.) A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

26.) Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

27.) What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training.

28.) What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

29.) Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.

30.) How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

That's all, folks!